You are free to invent your life.

The title of this blog says it all. I am free to invent my own life. God does work in mysterious ways indeed. He has blessed me with a tiny tot for christ by the name of Kamarah. Kamarah is a music child she loves to sing. So when she comes to visit we have rotation of videos we watch and sing to. First is Niki Minaj Superbass, then Bruno Mars Lazy Song and last is Kelena(selena) Gomez as Kamarah calls her  Who Says. In the song she singsWho says, who says you're not perfect? Who says you're not worth it? Who says you're the only one that's hurtin'? Trust me, that's the price of beauty Who says you're not pretty? Who says you're not beautiful? Who says? Who says you’re not star potential? Who says you’re not presidential?Who says you can’t be in movies? Who says. Then one of the ladies channel I subscribe to on Youtube Kiana was talking about defining your beauty. Soo I began to take stock of my life and it made me sad. Sad for myself and my daughters. Why because I allowed others to define my life according o hier rules and how they thought I should live, parent and what I should be doing in my life. Why did I just allow what people said about what I should do with my life, how I parented my children, who I dated and the people I choose to allow into my life be the rules I lived by. Society tells you if you ae a single parent that you and your children are at a disadvantage. Family tells you what you should do and how o raise yours when they did do such a hot job at raising their own.  We measure our looks according to others standards instead of developing our own self image and we perpetate the same madness on too our children. When I had my daughters all I wanted was for them to have a better life than mine. But what I really wanted was for their quality of life to be better. So I worked hard and gave them the best I could and this is where I failed them yes their material life was better but their life experience was worse. I was young, stupid and battling my own self issues. I was so busy trying to prove to other my value and that I was good enough that me and my girls got lost in the sea of who says. Along with the craziness of living for others I picked up the captain save a ho syndrom. You know it that need to help everyone and make there lives better while your own is falling apart.  Now at 48 I am tired and all gave out. I was told that life for me is about to change and that I need to heal the broken place in me but I find myself unsure of exactly how to do this. I have so many things that I am questioning now even those who I friend. Kengi says "I have people that have been in my life for years but that don't make them my friend just someone I have known for a long time".  The one thing that I have learned for sure these last months is that my mental health is most important. Now I refect ack on all those things that I thought I wanted and those things that I said I didn't want and have realize it was all based on the rules that others had set for m life and not what I waned. Man this life journey of loving me just keeps getting all topsy turvy but I do know when I land it will be on a solid foundation built on what I believe is best for me.look out world here I come. BETTER LATE THAN NEVER.

Enough

    

Hey SugaCubes the holidays are approaching and many of us are feeling an array of emotions. Sadness at the thought of spending them without love one who have passed or we are unable to be with for whatever reason. Depression because the holiday season brings about hurtful memories. Loneliness because we have no one to spend them with or heartache from the loss of a love one. For me it is all of the above. August 24, 2011 my grandmother transitioned from this life. Leaving me with a mess. financially, physically, emotionally and spiritually. It is now almost 3 months later and I still have not grieved. I tear up from time to time but as for actually crying it hasn't happened and I am not sure why. Maybe I am not suppose to cry.  

My grandmother was a hard woman. She was mean, did and said a lot of hurtful things to her family and people in general. If she knew something ugly about you she would refer to you as the girl that did such an such or that boy that did so in so. Never by their name but by what they did and I don't care how long it had been she would bring it up. I digress the point of this blog is ENOUGH.

Wednesday at Bible Study the pastor was talking about the poem I always called "I wish you Enough" which I will include a the end of this blog post. I am not sure of the author I am sure it was not me. Any who at the end of the poem it says I wish you enough hello's to get you though the final Good-bye. Then it happened tears began to fall not because I was sad but because I had enough to get me through the final good-bye when I am ready.

September 2, 2011 family and friends gathered to say their final good-bye but I still was not ready. Not because I didn't want to let her go but because I wasn't sure if she really understood my love for her. I love my grandma with all that I am and my only desire was to be with her and take care of her until the end. Did I succeed? Yes to the best of my ability and what she would allow.

 Although my patients may have run short with my grandma and her mess  my love never did.  There were times I wanted to go to the funeral home tell them to open the casket and slap her face then there were times I wanted to go and just push her casket over and say there and walk away. End the end I never saw her again because I would have just fell over the casket and cried like a two year old.  The tears would have been for all the wasted time we should have been loving each other but she wanted to fight instead. Tears because I wanted to love her and she mad it hard. Tears, because I have more bad memories of her than good ones. Tears because I am here with the people that have scars from the wounds she inflected and every time I see them I want to cry and say I am so sorry she treated you that way or said that to you or did that to you.  

 Am I still angry with my grandmother you bet your sweet ass I am. I am not angry with her for being mean and hurtful but for leaving with out allowing her family to love her and allow us to know that she knew we loved her. Until the very end she made the relationship hard.

So my SugaCubes PowdaSuga is going to leave you with these three things: 1.Don’t make it hard for people to love you. 2. I wish you ENOUGH. 3. The following poem

"I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish enough "Hello's" to get you through the final "Good-bye.."

Emergency Broadcast system

I Knew It!!!

          That is the first thing that comes out of our mouths when the suspicion about something or someone is confirmed. We say things like “I knew it was something about him/her I just couldn't put my finger on it or watch out for that one I do not trust them and I just do not feel right about this and the list could on and on of  things said when what we have suspected has come true.

          We are all born with discernment which is to help us from falling prey to peoples who will take advantage of us. But for some reason as we grow older we override that voice, feeling, natural warning signal or whatever you would want to call it.  

           If you watch children when they are infants up until they start school if they are unsure or someone comes around that they don’t care for they go the other way or hide behind their parents. Why because they are trusting that built in safety device to protect themselves from harm and danger. But as we are introduced to society and all that it brings we are encouraged to ignore the warnings signs and by the time we are adults the blaring warning signal that is screaming “danger Will Robinson danger danger” is barely audible so we don’t pay it any attention.

          I am guilty of ignoring my emergency broadcast system. I have been in relationships that were unhealthy for me. Which lead me to be hurt by people I trusted and loved.  Many of the friendships were one-sided with me giving more than I got. Unfaithful men or becoming involved with someone that really didn’t want me but what I could do for him. Working for employers that did not have my best interest in mind and when I was not a viable resource for them let me go. Family saying and treating me any way they want because they are family.  The one place that I surely thought I would be safe, my wounds healed and find direction for my life became the worst hurt of all. the church.  Romances, friendships, work, church, and family  at some point  in the course of all of those encounters my safety system was going off and I ignored It.

          The point I am trying to make is that we are all born with the ability to protect ourselves.  We just have to listen to the alarm when it is sounding. Danger Will Robinson danger danger.

The Heart of the matter

I know you all are probably thinking where did she get this title from.  Well I’ll tell. For the last month almost everyday I have been listening to India Aries’ version of this song on YouTube.  Everyone now and again I find a song that happens to fit my current state of mind or how I am feeling.  As many of you know about 7 month’s ago about 30 of us were laid off due to our positions being eliminated.  That   is a story I won’t rehash. However the effects of not having a job were unexpected.  The loneliness, the blow to your self esteem, the anger, the fear of not being able to pay your bills however small they are and the way people treat you because you are in a vulnerable position they say and do anything they want to you can be a bit much.  So I finds the song and I’m listening and bobbin my head then she starts singing the bridge “ I been trying to get down to the heart of the matter but my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter but I know it’s about forgiveness even if you don’t  love me anymore. “   I wanted to burst into tears and keep on crying and one day I will and soon.  I wanted to cry because all my adult life I have worked sometimes 3 jobs at a time, now I am afraid to even try to look for a job but I know I have to because my unemployment won’t last forever. I wanted to cry because I didn’t use my resources wisely at my former employer and finish my education.  I wanted to cry because I was afraid to live my life after separating from my children’s father and so I allowed the woman in me become stagnant now I want to love again and have no clue where to begin. I let fear rule 90% of my life. I didn’t do things, Go places or live my true life because of fear. Fear that I would fail and all the things that were said about me would be true.  Shedding tears for all the years I allowed myself to be mistreated by family friends, co-workers, supervisors because I was afraid to speak up for myself. Saying yes to things that you don’t want to do or don’t have all the information for.  Crying because the fear I carried I feel have caused my children to be people they would not be had I not been afraid to at least try to live a little. Now my baby girls are grown. I can do anything I want because I am free to do so and all I want to do is hide and cry because I forgot who I am, I don’t know what I want to do or where I want to go.  I have a man that wants to be in my life and I put on my track shoes strapped rockets to them and ran.  Why because I am afraid.  Damn who ever told that lie stick and stones my break my bones but name will never hurt me was lying their ass off. Word can kill the very essence of people and cripple them for life. Once I finish crying I will get down to the forgiveness part after all that is the heart of the matter.  AND THE FIRST PERSON ON THE LIST TO FORGIVE IS ME. DARLYNA RAYE SANFORD.

He asked me what I wanted in a man.

I have been talking to a an old flame who is trying to get the fire rekindled and he decided to ask me what I wanted in a man. I half answered the question because most times when we as women are asked this question we reply like this." I want a man that is good to me and my kids if we have them. Help me pay my bills" and a few other basic responses. Once I thought about the question I realized that there was so much more to what a wanted in and from a man below you will find my response to his question. I did let him know that if he felt he was not the man for the job I ain't mad at him but if he is then he needed to paint the picture of what my life would be like with him.

I want to love again. I want a man that is God fearing and serving not a religious Bible thumper.  He will respect and love my children and I his. A man that is secure with who he is and his role in the relationship.  He has a job and enjoys it. He will be my shelter when life becomes too much for me. He will catch me when I am about to fall. When I am cold to my bones he will breathe on me until I am warm. I want him to scratch the itch in the center of my womanhood and enjoy scratching. I want to lay naked in bed and play footsies. The man for me will enjoy me and my company in and out of the bed.  He will communicate with me about us whether it is good bad or ugly. He will hold me until we are one. He will love me without regret or thought. He will be my support to be a better woman, wife, mother and friend. He will not prey on my insecurities or failures. He will respect me as his wife, lover and friend. He will ask and respect my opinion about our future.  I want him to take me dancing and traveling. When lying down at night and waking in the morning at the end of the day, through the good times and bad, heartaches and pain, disagreements and laughter he is still glad that he chose me to be his wife. All that I want for me I will be that and more for him.

I want to LOVE again.

I was sleeping and I heard Chandra singing this song from Tyler Perry's Diary of a Mad Black Woman. I opened my eye to find the scene where Helen and Malcolm were dancing and the song was playing and I started singing the song. Why because that is exactly how I have been feeling lately. I want to love again. I can't say that my relationships have been all bad or ended  badly I can say that the men were right for me at that stage of my life. I have never been the type of woman that put up with a lot of bullshit from a man. I let them do them and I do me. When he lets me know that what we have don't mean anything to him then it is time for us to part ways. I can honestly says that me and my daughters fathers have remained friends. Damn I done got off the subject. Any who back to the subject at hand. I am ready for love. I am ready for marriage, I am ready to get my back dirty(have sex). I am ready to take care of him and he take care of me.While this revelation made itself clear I was also dealing with a blast from my past. A man I use to date in high school got in touch and is trying to make me his boo. The problem is it has been 30yrs since we have had any contact and he is talking that I love you and I always have and I always thought you were the best thing this side of heaven. I was like well damn. Then my mind got to talking to me and this is the questions it asked. Is he in love with the woman you are now or the teenage girl you were in high school. Is he really  in love or is it the ideal of being in love. So I had to take a step back and think this over because even though I am ready to love it has been a longtime since I have been in a relationship and  by longtime I mean 18yrs  or more and it has been about 7 yrs since I had something to do dick so I have to be real careful not to let the du'fluchie run things when I do decide to let a man into my life. Then I had to think about what I wanted in a relationship, and a mate  because one thing was for sure I am over the girlfriend thing. I want to be a wife in a loving, healthy, full filing marriage. How do I reconcile the Mr from the past to the the woman of today. Damn this is about to be a ride I need to get my helmet and seatbelt for this. Heeeeelllllllppp!!!!!

My inner me had became my enemy

Ok here we go I have been this journey of self love for the past year and I just had this wall that I could not break down, through or dig under. I had desires that I wanted fullfilled and goals I wanted to achieve but I was lost. Lost because I just didn't know where to start. Then the bomb that blew up my world went off. Is the that my child was stealing me blind and lying to my face even thought I knew and had proof that she did. No. Is it the fact that I live in a house where I am made to feel like an unwelcomed guest that has overstayed their time. No is it the fact that people have taken my kindness and love for granted and walked all over me. No. Alright I will tell what made my world explode. I was at church fixing that computers and the pastor had a meeting scheduled while in her office I asked her what the meeting was about she said leadership my reply was since I am not a leader then I don't need to be in the meeting so we kept on working. Then came time for the meeting and she wanted everyone in the meeting including so I of respect I stopped what I was doing and went into the meeting. Prayer went forth then she opened the meeting with this question." Are you ready to serve and pay this cost to serve or do you still feel you need to be served. Now there were about 15 of us in this meeting and she allowed everyone answer the question but me. when it vame time for me to aswer she said " I am not fooling with you and you will not loose that up in here' and I just sat there stunned and said I didn't say anything and of course everyone else was looking like what is going on.The meeting went on I then looked at the clock. She then said you must be really bored and I wasn't for sure who she was talking to because my friend was sitting in front of me. when I asked who she was talking to she said you and that is when it happened. I got my keys and said I am going home and went into her office got my software and vacated the building. I was so angry but I wasn't sure why. Then the bomb went boom and I realized that my inner me had become my enemy. For years people have used and abused me. As a child we are taught to respect our elders and when you tell your parents or those that are suppose to care for you that so n so did such n such to you or you don't want to be around this person they tell you to stay in a childs place. Parent and family members say mean things to you about your weight or whatever your tender spot is and then when you cry they say it was said out of love. People can tell your family something about you and they believe it before they even come to you for your side. What goes in my house or family stays in my house or family and meanwhile your being molested by grandpa, cousins aunts uncles or whoever else want so get there funky off at your expense and slowly the inner you becomes the enemy because it won't allow you to stand up and fight for yourself. You know you are good people but your self esteem and self worth has been stripped to zero and now more that ever you want to live for you. You want to love  and be loved the way you dreamed of all those years ago. By her not allowing me to speak just reinforced the noboby want to hear what you have to say. It has been several days since that incident and I now know that if i don't speak for me even if no one care to hear it. I have the right to speak for me. So my inner me will be my advocate instead of my enemy.

Thank you

Thank you for your words of encouragement and support in my good and bad times. I tried blogging before but I really didn't get into it because I was afraid that what I had to say would hurt someone feelings and no one cared about what I had to say anyway. Then I asked about a blog and he gave me several site. Then he said something that gave me the courage to be honest and open and to know this blog is about me and how I feel or don't feel. what I think or don't think. You said "LET IT ALL OUT nobody ever said that to me. I feel my life would have turned out so much more differently if I had a support system that was interested in me and my wants instead of their wants for me. So I finished building my computer and damn I am liking this desktop I put together. Then I popped in Ruben Studdard's last Cd and I am off. I feel a lot of tears coming, fears leaving and the old person who got lost in the battle of living is about to win the war of life.  Thank you my friend. I do love and appreciate you and your love for me.