Enough

    

Hey SugaCubes the holidays are approaching and many of us are feeling an array of emotions. Sadness at the thought of spending them without love one who have passed or we are unable to be with for whatever reason. Depression because the holiday season brings about hurtful memories. Loneliness because we have no one to spend them with or heartache from the loss of a love one. For me it is all of the above. August 24, 2011 my grandmother transitioned from this life. Leaving me with a mess. financially, physically, emotionally and spiritually. It is now almost 3 months later and I still have not grieved. I tear up from time to time but as for actually crying it hasn't happened and I am not sure why. Maybe I am not suppose to cry.  

My grandmother was a hard woman. She was mean, did and said a lot of hurtful things to her family and people in general. If she knew something ugly about you she would refer to you as the girl that did such an such or that boy that did so in so. Never by their name but by what they did and I don't care how long it had been she would bring it up. I digress the point of this blog is ENOUGH.

Wednesday at Bible Study the pastor was talking about the poem I always called "I wish you Enough" which I will include a the end of this blog post. I am not sure of the author I am sure it was not me. Any who at the end of the poem it says I wish you enough hello's to get you though the final Good-bye. Then it happened tears began to fall not because I was sad but because I had enough to get me through the final good-bye when I am ready.

September 2, 2011 family and friends gathered to say their final good-bye but I still was not ready. Not because I didn't want to let her go but because I wasn't sure if she really understood my love for her. I love my grandma with all that I am and my only desire was to be with her and take care of her until the end. Did I succeed? Yes to the best of my ability and what she would allow.

 Although my patients may have run short with my grandma and her mess  my love never did.  There were times I wanted to go to the funeral home tell them to open the casket and slap her face then there were times I wanted to go and just push her casket over and say there and walk away. End the end I never saw her again because I would have just fell over the casket and cried like a two year old.  The tears would have been for all the wasted time we should have been loving each other but she wanted to fight instead. Tears because I wanted to love her and she mad it hard. Tears, because I have more bad memories of her than good ones. Tears because I am here with the people that have scars from the wounds she inflected and every time I see them I want to cry and say I am so sorry she treated you that way or said that to you or did that to you.  

 Am I still angry with my grandmother you bet your sweet ass I am. I am not angry with her for being mean and hurtful but for leaving with out allowing her family to love her and allow us to know that she knew we loved her. Until the very end she made the relationship hard.

So my SugaCubes PowdaSuga is going to leave you with these three things: 1.Don’t make it hard for people to love you. 2. I wish you ENOUGH. 3. The following poem

"I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish enough "Hello's" to get you through the final "Good-bye.."