The Heart of the matter

I know you all are probably thinking where did she get this title from.  Well I’ll tell. For the last month almost everyday I have been listening to India Aries’ version of this song on YouTube.  Everyone now and again I find a song that happens to fit my current state of mind or how I am feeling.  As many of you know about 7 month’s ago about 30 of us were laid off due to our positions being eliminated.  That   is a story I won’t rehash. However the effects of not having a job were unexpected.  The loneliness, the blow to your self esteem, the anger, the fear of not being able to pay your bills however small they are and the way people treat you because you are in a vulnerable position they say and do anything they want to you can be a bit much.  So I finds the song and I’m listening and bobbin my head then she starts singing the bridge “ I been trying to get down to the heart of the matter but my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter but I know it’s about forgiveness even if you don’t  love me anymore. “   I wanted to burst into tears and keep on crying and one day I will and soon.  I wanted to cry because all my adult life I have worked sometimes 3 jobs at a time, now I am afraid to even try to look for a job but I know I have to because my unemployment won’t last forever. I wanted to cry because I didn’t use my resources wisely at my former employer and finish my education.  I wanted to cry because I was afraid to live my life after separating from my children’s father and so I allowed the woman in me become stagnant now I want to love again and have no clue where to begin. I let fear rule 90% of my life. I didn’t do things, Go places or live my true life because of fear. Fear that I would fail and all the things that were said about me would be true.  Shedding tears for all the years I allowed myself to be mistreated by family friends, co-workers, supervisors because I was afraid to speak up for myself. Saying yes to things that you don’t want to do or don’t have all the information for.  Crying because the fear I carried I feel have caused my children to be people they would not be had I not been afraid to at least try to live a little. Now my baby girls are grown. I can do anything I want because I am free to do so and all I want to do is hide and cry because I forgot who I am, I don’t know what I want to do or where I want to go.  I have a man that wants to be in my life and I put on my track shoes strapped rockets to them and ran.  Why because I am afraid.  Damn who ever told that lie stick and stones my break my bones but name will never hurt me was lying their ass off. Word can kill the very essence of people and cripple them for life. Once I finish crying I will get down to the forgiveness part after all that is the heart of the matter.  AND THE FIRST PERSON ON THE LIST TO FORGIVE IS ME. DARLYNA RAYE SANFORD.

He asked me what I wanted in a man.

I have been talking to a an old flame who is trying to get the fire rekindled and he decided to ask me what I wanted in a man. I half answered the question because most times when we as women are asked this question we reply like this." I want a man that is good to me and my kids if we have them. Help me pay my bills" and a few other basic responses. Once I thought about the question I realized that there was so much more to what a wanted in and from a man below you will find my response to his question. I did let him know that if he felt he was not the man for the job I ain't mad at him but if he is then he needed to paint the picture of what my life would be like with him.

I want to love again. I want a man that is God fearing and serving not a religious Bible thumper.  He will respect and love my children and I his. A man that is secure with who he is and his role in the relationship.  He has a job and enjoys it. He will be my shelter when life becomes too much for me. He will catch me when I am about to fall. When I am cold to my bones he will breathe on me until I am warm. I want him to scratch the itch in the center of my womanhood and enjoy scratching. I want to lay naked in bed and play footsies. The man for me will enjoy me and my company in and out of the bed.  He will communicate with me about us whether it is good bad or ugly. He will hold me until we are one. He will love me without regret or thought. He will be my support to be a better woman, wife, mother and friend. He will not prey on my insecurities or failures. He will respect me as his wife, lover and friend. He will ask and respect my opinion about our future.  I want him to take me dancing and traveling. When lying down at night and waking in the morning at the end of the day, through the good times and bad, heartaches and pain, disagreements and laughter he is still glad that he chose me to be his wife. All that I want for me I will be that and more for him.

I want to LOVE again.

I was sleeping and I heard Chandra singing this song from Tyler Perry's Diary of a Mad Black Woman. I opened my eye to find the scene where Helen and Malcolm were dancing and the song was playing and I started singing the song. Why because that is exactly how I have been feeling lately. I want to love again. I can't say that my relationships have been all bad or ended  badly I can say that the men were right for me at that stage of my life. I have never been the type of woman that put up with a lot of bullshit from a man. I let them do them and I do me. When he lets me know that what we have don't mean anything to him then it is time for us to part ways. I can honestly says that me and my daughters fathers have remained friends. Damn I done got off the subject. Any who back to the subject at hand. I am ready for love. I am ready for marriage, I am ready to get my back dirty(have sex). I am ready to take care of him and he take care of me.While this revelation made itself clear I was also dealing with a blast from my past. A man I use to date in high school got in touch and is trying to make me his boo. The problem is it has been 30yrs since we have had any contact and he is talking that I love you and I always have and I always thought you were the best thing this side of heaven. I was like well damn. Then my mind got to talking to me and this is the questions it asked. Is he in love with the woman you are now or the teenage girl you were in high school. Is he really  in love or is it the ideal of being in love. So I had to take a step back and think this over because even though I am ready to love it has been a longtime since I have been in a relationship and  by longtime I mean 18yrs  or more and it has been about 7 yrs since I had something to do dick so I have to be real careful not to let the du'fluchie run things when I do decide to let a man into my life. Then I had to think about what I wanted in a relationship, and a mate  because one thing was for sure I am over the girlfriend thing. I want to be a wife in a loving, healthy, full filing marriage. How do I reconcile the Mr from the past to the the woman of today. Damn this is about to be a ride I need to get my helmet and seatbelt for this. Heeeeelllllllppp!!!!!

My inner me had became my enemy

Ok here we go I have been this journey of self love for the past year and I just had this wall that I could not break down, through or dig under. I had desires that I wanted fullfilled and goals I wanted to achieve but I was lost. Lost because I just didn't know where to start. Then the bomb that blew up my world went off. Is the that my child was stealing me blind and lying to my face even thought I knew and had proof that she did. No. Is it the fact that I live in a house where I am made to feel like an unwelcomed guest that has overstayed their time. No is it the fact that people have taken my kindness and love for granted and walked all over me. No. Alright I will tell what made my world explode. I was at church fixing that computers and the pastor had a meeting scheduled while in her office I asked her what the meeting was about she said leadership my reply was since I am not a leader then I don't need to be in the meeting so we kept on working. Then came time for the meeting and she wanted everyone in the meeting including so I of respect I stopped what I was doing and went into the meeting. Prayer went forth then she opened the meeting with this question." Are you ready to serve and pay this cost to serve or do you still feel you need to be served. Now there were about 15 of us in this meeting and she allowed everyone answer the question but me. when it vame time for me to aswer she said " I am not fooling with you and you will not loose that up in here' and I just sat there stunned and said I didn't say anything and of course everyone else was looking like what is going on.The meeting went on I then looked at the clock. She then said you must be really bored and I wasn't for sure who she was talking to because my friend was sitting in front of me. when I asked who she was talking to she said you and that is when it happened. I got my keys and said I am going home and went into her office got my software and vacated the building. I was so angry but I wasn't sure why. Then the bomb went boom and I realized that my inner me had become my enemy. For years people have used and abused me. As a child we are taught to respect our elders and when you tell your parents or those that are suppose to care for you that so n so did such n such to you or you don't want to be around this person they tell you to stay in a childs place. Parent and family members say mean things to you about your weight or whatever your tender spot is and then when you cry they say it was said out of love. People can tell your family something about you and they believe it before they even come to you for your side. What goes in my house or family stays in my house or family and meanwhile your being molested by grandpa, cousins aunts uncles or whoever else want so get there funky off at your expense and slowly the inner you becomes the enemy because it won't allow you to stand up and fight for yourself. You know you are good people but your self esteem and self worth has been stripped to zero and now more that ever you want to live for you. You want to love  and be loved the way you dreamed of all those years ago. By her not allowing me to speak just reinforced the noboby want to hear what you have to say. It has been several days since that incident and I now know that if i don't speak for me even if no one care to hear it. I have the right to speak for me. So my inner me will be my advocate instead of my enemy.

Thank you

Thank you for your words of encouragement and support in my good and bad times. I tried blogging before but I really didn't get into it because I was afraid that what I had to say would hurt someone feelings and no one cared about what I had to say anyway. Then I asked about a blog and he gave me several site. Then he said something that gave me the courage to be honest and open and to know this blog is about me and how I feel or don't feel. what I think or don't think. You said "LET IT ALL OUT nobody ever said that to me. I feel my life would have turned out so much more differently if I had a support system that was interested in me and my wants instead of their wants for me. So I finished building my computer and damn I am liking this desktop I put together. Then I popped in Ruben Studdard's last Cd and I am off. I feel a lot of tears coming, fears leaving and the old person who got lost in the battle of living is about to win the war of life.  Thank you my friend. I do love and appreciate you and your love for me.