The Heart of the matter

I know you all are probably thinking where did she get this title from.  Well I’ll tell. For the last month almost everyday I have been listening to India Aries’ version of this song on YouTube.  Everyone now and again I find a song that happens to fit my current state of mind or how I am feeling.  As many of you know about 7 month’s ago about 30 of us were laid off due to our positions being eliminated.  That   is a story I won’t rehash. However the effects of not having a job were unexpected.  The loneliness, the blow to your self esteem, the anger, the fear of not being able to pay your bills however small they are and the way people treat you because you are in a vulnerable position they say and do anything they want to you can be a bit much.  So I finds the song and I’m listening and bobbin my head then she starts singing the bridge “ I been trying to get down to the heart of the matter but my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter but I know it’s about forgiveness even if you don’t  love me anymore. “   I wanted to burst into tears and keep on crying and one day I will and soon.  I wanted to cry because all my adult life I have worked sometimes 3 jobs at a time, now I am afraid to even try to look for a job but I know I have to because my unemployment won’t last forever. I wanted to cry because I didn’t use my resources wisely at my former employer and finish my education.  I wanted to cry because I was afraid to live my life after separating from my children’s father and so I allowed the woman in me become stagnant now I want to love again and have no clue where to begin. I let fear rule 90% of my life. I didn’t do things, Go places or live my true life because of fear. Fear that I would fail and all the things that were said about me would be true.  Shedding tears for all the years I allowed myself to be mistreated by family friends, co-workers, supervisors because I was afraid to speak up for myself. Saying yes to things that you don’t want to do or don’t have all the information for.  Crying because the fear I carried I feel have caused my children to be people they would not be had I not been afraid to at least try to live a little. Now my baby girls are grown. I can do anything I want because I am free to do so and all I want to do is hide and cry because I forgot who I am, I don’t know what I want to do or where I want to go.  I have a man that wants to be in my life and I put on my track shoes strapped rockets to them and ran.  Why because I am afraid.  Damn who ever told that lie stick and stones my break my bones but name will never hurt me was lying their ass off. Word can kill the very essence of people and cripple them for life. Once I finish crying I will get down to the forgiveness part after all that is the heart of the matter.  AND THE FIRST PERSON ON THE LIST TO FORGIVE IS ME. DARLYNA RAYE SANFORD.