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Sunday, September 23, 2012

Conversation with KENGI

WOW I can not believe that it has been almost a year since I last blogged and so much has happened and nothing has happened. I know that was confusing. So let us get on with what this blog is about. I named it my conversation with KENGI because after talking with him my desire for me grows stronger. I know what in the hell the desire for yourself so let me explain. I am a nurturer that is my calling, that is my passion. It give me great pleasure to assist another human being succeed in fulfilling  their destiny.
    August of this year Kengi invited me to 30 days of personal growth. Let just says the first 2 weeks went down in flames. Nothing that I set in my challenge did I attempt except not to watch TV. So I called Kengi or he called me or we played phone tag until we connected. As usual we did the catch up and then we started  talking about the personal growth and I did my confession about it going down in flames and thinking of just not finishing it. Kengi would not let me off that easy oh no. He replied with "So restart tomorrow and just do one thing". I thought man damn he is right and I can just start with one thing. Then I went on to talk other things that were going on and it got quiet I thought the phone were acting up again then I heard Darlyna I answered yes and he said " you are worry about everyone and everything else, Who worries about you? and when are you going worry about you?" I stammered I don't  know. The response brought tears to my eyes. So we continued to talk for a little longer then he loved me and we hung up.
     As the days passed I made a conscious effort to work on the one thing I chose to work on. Then life brought about the real issues that I needed to attend to. My final decision about whether I was moving back to my hometown or staying in the city where I live and raised my daughters. I opted to stay in Columbus but leave the house that I share with my daughters. It is time for me to live my own life. Once that was settled the I had to come up with a plan to be by myself which I was happy and sad about. Happy because I would have peace and quiet. Sad because I would be leaving my babies to care for themselves.
     The plan reve up the job search and begin to clean out the house so when  and if we have turn it back over to the bank dealing with a lot of stuff that I don't intend on taking with me. So I started with the kitchen as I started pulling stuff out the memories began to flow. The more glasses and plates I wrapped and boxed the more depressed I became. So I stopped. I realized that I had buried one half of my family. My daughter, my father, my grandparents, my great-grandparents and my only uncle on my father's side. More importantly I had not grieved about their transition for this life. It felt like a storm brewing in my soul. I could feel the winds of an emotional outburst coming from he depths of my soul and it was going to be an ugly afermath. I was talking but no one was hearing. 
     So I called Kengi we did the catch up. I asked where the updated on his blog was and then I went right into how I wa feeling and he lisened I thanked him for making me think about who worries for me and I talked a little more and then came that silence again where you are not sure if the call has dropped. Then he said while you are grieving for them who is grieving for you and when are you going to grieve for yourself. Then he began to say how he let go of places people and things that were not adding value to his life. I thought I wish I could do that. Just let go. But I am afraid of what I have no clue. We talked a little more kengi told me he loved me and only wanted me to be the best Darlyna I can be and he valued me for me. We said good night, hung up and I cried.
      I have answered the questions that he asked me. I have several who worry about me, who greive with and for me and who love me.
     The morning came and the storm that was brewing has subsided. I went back to the kitchen found the box that I had packed my great-grandmothers dinner set in removed it. Then I went outside pulled the recycle can to the front porch and I begin to let go and I gave myself let go. I took the boxes to the front  porch and began to pitch all the stuff. It felt wonderful. Nothing bad happened, nobody beat me up and nobody walked out of my life and most importantly they didn't care. 
     All this all this time I have wasted being concerned about others, their feelings and well being when it really came down to doing what was good for me NOBODY even cared they didn't even asked what I was doing.
     At the beginning I told you I am a nurturer now it is time for me to nurture me and greive for my loss and rebuild who I want to be. Those conversations with Kengi can be a harsh but they will make you desire the you that was sacrificed for the well being of others. Thank you Kengi I am so glad you have graced my life.