You are free to invent your life.

The title of this blog says it all. I am free to invent my own life. God does work in mysterious ways indeed. He has blessed me with a tiny tot for christ by the name of Kamarah. Kamarah is a music child she loves to sing. So when she comes to visit we have rotation of videos we watch and sing to. First is Niki Minaj Superbass, then Bruno Mars Lazy Song and last is Kelena(selena) Gomez as Kamarah calls her  Who Says. In the song she singsWho says, who says you're not perfect? Who says you're not worth it? Who says you're the only one that's hurtin'? Trust me, that's the price of beauty Who says you're not pretty? Who says you're not beautiful? Who says? Who says you’re not star potential? Who says you’re not presidential?Who says you can’t be in movies? Who says. Then one of the ladies channel I subscribe to on Youtube Kiana was talking about defining your beauty. Soo I began to take stock of my life and it made me sad. Sad for myself and my daughters. Why because I allowed others to define my life according o hier rules and how they thought I should live, parent and what I should be doing in my life. Why did I just allow what people said about what I should do with my life, how I parented my children, who I dated and the people I choose to allow into my life be the rules I lived by. Society tells you if you ae a single parent that you and your children are at a disadvantage. Family tells you what you should do and how o raise yours when they did do such a hot job at raising their own.  We measure our looks according to others standards instead of developing our own self image and we perpetate the same madness on too our children. When I had my daughters all I wanted was for them to have a better life than mine. But what I really wanted was for their quality of life to be better. So I worked hard and gave them the best I could and this is where I failed them yes their material life was better but their life experience was worse. I was young, stupid and battling my own self issues. I was so busy trying to prove to other my value and that I was good enough that me and my girls got lost in the sea of who says. Along with the craziness of living for others I picked up the captain save a ho syndrom. You know it that need to help everyone and make there lives better while your own is falling apart.  Now at 48 I am tired and all gave out. I was told that life for me is about to change and that I need to heal the broken place in me but I find myself unsure of exactly how to do this. I have so many things that I am questioning now even those who I friend. Kengi says "I have people that have been in my life for years but that don't make them my friend just someone I have known for a long time".  The one thing that I have learned for sure these last months is that my mental health is most important. Now I refect ack on all those things that I thought I wanted and those things that I said I didn't want and have realize it was all based on the rules that others had set for m life and not what I waned. Man this life journey of loving me just keeps getting all topsy turvy but I do know when I land it will be on a solid foundation built on what I believe is best for me.look out world here I come. BETTER LATE THAN NEVER.

Enough

    

Hey SugaCubes the holidays are approaching and many of us are feeling an array of emotions. Sadness at the thought of spending them without love one who have passed or we are unable to be with for whatever reason. Depression because the holiday season brings about hurtful memories. Loneliness because we have no one to spend them with or heartache from the loss of a love one. For me it is all of the above. August 24, 2011 my grandmother transitioned from this life. Leaving me with a mess. financially, physically, emotionally and spiritually. It is now almost 3 months later and I still have not grieved. I tear up from time to time but as for actually crying it hasn't happened and I am not sure why. Maybe I am not suppose to cry.  

My grandmother was a hard woman. She was mean, did and said a lot of hurtful things to her family and people in general. If she knew something ugly about you she would refer to you as the girl that did such an such or that boy that did so in so. Never by their name but by what they did and I don't care how long it had been she would bring it up. I digress the point of this blog is ENOUGH.

Wednesday at Bible Study the pastor was talking about the poem I always called "I wish you Enough" which I will include a the end of this blog post. I am not sure of the author I am sure it was not me. Any who at the end of the poem it says I wish you enough hello's to get you though the final Good-bye. Then it happened tears began to fall not because I was sad but because I had enough to get me through the final good-bye when I am ready.

September 2, 2011 family and friends gathered to say their final good-bye but I still was not ready. Not because I didn't want to let her go but because I wasn't sure if she really understood my love for her. I love my grandma with all that I am and my only desire was to be with her and take care of her until the end. Did I succeed? Yes to the best of my ability and what she would allow.

 Although my patients may have run short with my grandma and her mess  my love never did.  There were times I wanted to go to the funeral home tell them to open the casket and slap her face then there were times I wanted to go and just push her casket over and say there and walk away. End the end I never saw her again because I would have just fell over the casket and cried like a two year old.  The tears would have been for all the wasted time we should have been loving each other but she wanted to fight instead. Tears because I wanted to love her and she mad it hard. Tears, because I have more bad memories of her than good ones. Tears because I am here with the people that have scars from the wounds she inflected and every time I see them I want to cry and say I am so sorry she treated you that way or said that to you or did that to you.  

 Am I still angry with my grandmother you bet your sweet ass I am. I am not angry with her for being mean and hurtful but for leaving with out allowing her family to love her and allow us to know that she knew we loved her. Until the very end she made the relationship hard.

So my SugaCubes PowdaSuga is going to leave you with these three things: 1.Don’t make it hard for people to love you. 2. I wish you ENOUGH. 3. The following poem

"I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish enough "Hello's" to get you through the final "Good-bye.."