Biscuit Burner 1

Biscuit Burner 1: There has been this reoccurring theme going on that is just destructive to our children and the parent child bond. Scenario: Man meets woman with child / children or vice versa or both have children. The two decide to get into a long term relationship or even married. Problem he/ she does not want to have anything to do with your child/ children or you to have contact with your own child /children and will do anything to interfere with your relationship and if you have children together refuse to let them bond their brother or sister. Men, women, young and old, if you have children or a child you are a package deal. If they love you, they love your children too, for they are a part of you. If they want to spend quality time with you the children should be included, this is how families are built and stay strong. If you want him/her to provide for you and your children, you must do the same for him/her and their children. Th...

ese tiny tots are growing up with many dangers in this world and parents are their soft place to land. To deny them safety, love, support. Knowledge, family and a sense of self is mean selfish cold hearted. You can not expect a parent not to be a part of their child’s life just to be in yours. Ladies if you have a man that is doing this run fast. I know you think once we been together for a while, I do my stripper moves, give him some good good cook and clean it will change. Chile please get a grip because if he didn’t bother he don’t want to be bothered. Men I haven’t left you out when you mention that you have a child and she roll her eyes and turn up her face and start that I am not for no baby mama drama. She does not love you she is after what you can do for her and isn’t worth all the hell she will bring if you decide to be with her. If you are the person in this scenario, you need find a man/woman who DOES NOT have a child or children then you can have them all to yourself. Don't dishonor parenthood with your selfishness.

This weekend brought about a few ups and downs. My sister came home to visit from Texas. My mom and her meet me at Chipolte for lunch/dinner. I spent some time with my baby girl we were talking and I told her that I only wanted the best for her and she was saying that she wished she had went on to finish school. I told her that there is a whole big world for her and her sister to see and that I did not want them to look back on their lives and have a lot of regrets. Out of the mouth of babes is what I always heard my granpa say. She said mom I don't regret anything I have lessons learned. Such a simple statement but it spoke so loudly. It just kept repeating in my head. At 12 midnight I was the end of the 30 day challenge that I committed to and let me tell you it went down in flames the first to weeks but I kept at it and I am glad I did
     My mode of operation is when I mess up on something I just stop and don't complete what I started but this time with help from my Kengi. Who said just start again tomorrow so I did.  Some days would be a success and other would be a test but as I continued the real thing that I needed to work on pushed its way to the for front like a gang buster. Saying NO and putting me first. This has been a very distressing issue for me and several others I know including my daughters. I could not figure out why is was so hard to say such a small word. Two letters N O. Then I began to reflect. Saying NO brings negative emotions. We feel guilty rejected or selfish. I was never told that NO to someone or a situation was right. So as I grew up and life went on I found myself in very unconfortable situations. But I kept right on saying yes when I really wanted to say NO NO and HELL the NO. Fear of the person being angry, me feeling guilty or selfish.or rejections. Septembers challenge started out about superficial things but ended on a deep issue that has held me hostage.  We must teach our children and give ourself permission to say that small yet powrful word. I now know the power of this small word those two letters. I understand and know that it is very very very ok to say Hell to the NO NO NO .

Conversation with KENGI

WOW I can not believe that it has been almost a year since I last blogged and so much has happened and nothing has happened. I know that was confusing. So let us get on with what this blog is about. I named it my conversation with KENGI because after talking with him my desire for me grows stronger. I know what in the hell the desire for yourself so let me explain. I am a nurturer that is my calling, that is my passion. It give me great pleasure to assist another human being succeed in fulfilling  their destiny.

    August of this year Kengi invited me to 30 days of personal growth. Let just says the first 2 weeks went down in flames. Nothing that I set in my challenge did I attempt except not to watch TV. So I called Kengi or he called me or we played phone tag until we connected. As usual we did the catch up and then we started  talking about the personal growth and I did my confession about it going down in flames and thinking of just not finishing it. Kengi would not let me off that easy oh no. He replied with "So restart tomorrow and just do one thing". I thought man damn he is right and I can just start with one thing. Then I went on to talk other things that were going on and it got quiet I thought the phone were acting up again then I heard Darlyna I answered yes and he said " you are worry about everyone and everything else, Who worries about you? and when are you going worry about you?" I stammered I don't  know. The response brought tears to my eyes. So we continued to talk for a little longer then he loved me and we hung up.

     As the days passed I made a conscious effort to work on the one thing I chose to work on. Then life brought about the real issues that I needed to attend to. My final decision about whether I was moving back to my hometown or staying in the city where I live and raised my daughters. I opted to stay in Columbus but leave the house that I share with my daughters. It is time for me to live my own life. Once that was settled the I had to come up with a plan to be by myself which I was happy and sad about. Happy because I would have peace and quiet. Sad because I would be leaving my babies to care for themselves.

     The plan reve up the job search and begin to clean out the house so when  and if we have turn it back over to the bank dealing with a lot of stuff that I don't intend on taking with me. So I started with the kitchen as I started pulling stuff out the memories began to flow. The more glasses and plates I wrapped and boxed the more depressed I became. So I stopped. I realized that I had buried one half of my family. My daughter, my father, my grandparents, my great-grandparents and my only uncle on my father's side. More importantly I had not grieved about their transition for this life. It felt like a storm brewing in my soul. I could feel the winds of an emotional outburst coming from he depths of my soul and it was going to be an ugly afermath. I was talking but no one was hearing. 

     So I called Kengi we did the catch up. I asked where the updated on his blog was and then I went right into how I wa feeling and he lisened I thanked him for making me think about who worries for me and I talked a little more and then came that silence again where you are not sure if the call has dropped. Then he said while you are grieving for them who is grieving for you and when are you going to grieve for yourself. Then he began to say how he let go of places people and things that were not adding value to his life. I thought I wish I could do that. Just let go. But I am afraid of what I have no clue. We talked a little more kengi told me he loved me and only wanted me to be the best Darlyna I can be and he valued me for me. We said good night, hung up and I cried.

      I have answered the questions that he asked me. I have several who worry about me, who greive with and for me and who love me.

     The morning came and the storm that was brewing has subsided. I went back to the kitchen found the box that I had packed my great-grandmothers dinner set in removed it. Then I went outside pulled the recycle can to the front porch and I begin to let go and I gave myself let go. I took the boxes to the front  porch and began to pitch all the stuff. It felt wonderful. Nothing bad happened, nobody beat me up and nobody walked out of my life and most importantly they didn't care. 

     All this all this time I have wasted being concerned about others, their feelings and well being when it really came down to doing what was good for me NOBODY even cared they didn't even asked what I was doing.

     At the beginning I told you I am a nurturer now it is time for me to nurture me and greive for my loss and rebuild who I want to be. Those conversations with Kengi can be a harsh but they will make you desire the you that was sacrificed for the well being of others. Thank you Kengi I am so glad you have graced my life.

You are free to invent your life.

The title of this blog says it all. I am free to invent my own life. God does work in mysterious ways indeed. He has blessed me with a tiny tot for christ by the name of Kamarah. Kamarah is a music child she loves to sing. So when she comes to visit we have rotation of videos we watch and sing to. First is Niki Minaj Superbass, then Bruno Mars Lazy Song and last is Kelena(selena) Gomez as Kamarah calls her  Who Says. In the song she singsWho says, who says you're not perfect? Who says you're not worth it? Who says you're the only one that's hurtin'? Trust me, that's the price of beauty Who says you're not pretty? Who says you're not beautiful? Who says? Who says you’re not star potential? Who says you’re not presidential?Who says you can’t be in movies? Who says. Then one of the ladies channel I subscribe to on Youtube Kiana was talking about defining your beauty. Soo I began to take stock of my life and it made me sad. Sad for myself and my daughters. Why because I allowed others to define my life according o hier rules and how they thought I should live, parent and what I should be doing in my life. Why did I just allow what people said about what I should do with my life, how I parented my children, who I dated and the people I choose to allow into my life be the rules I lived by. Society tells you if you ae a single parent that you and your children are at a disadvantage. Family tells you what you should do and how o raise yours when they did do such a hot job at raising their own.  We measure our looks according to others standards instead of developing our own self image and we perpetate the same madness on too our children. When I had my daughters all I wanted was for them to have a better life than mine. But what I really wanted was for their quality of life to be better. So I worked hard and gave them the best I could and this is where I failed them yes their material life was better but their life experience was worse. I was young, stupid and battling my own self issues. I was so busy trying to prove to other my value and that I was good enough that me and my girls got lost in the sea of who says. Along with the craziness of living for others I picked up the captain save a ho syndrom. You know it that need to help everyone and make there lives better while your own is falling apart.  Now at 48 I am tired and all gave out. I was told that life for me is about to change and that I need to heal the broken place in me but I find myself unsure of exactly how to do this. I have so many things that I am questioning now even those who I friend. Kengi says "I have people that have been in my life for years but that don't make them my friend just someone I have known for a long time".  The one thing that I have learned for sure these last months is that my mental health is most important. Now I refect ack on all those things that I thought I wanted and those things that I said I didn't want and have realize it was all based on the rules that others had set for m life and not what I waned. Man this life journey of loving me just keeps getting all topsy turvy but I do know when I land it will be on a solid foundation built on what I believe is best for me.look out world here I come. BETTER LATE THAN NEVER.

Enough

    

Hey SugaCubes the holidays are approaching and many of us are feeling an array of emotions. Sadness at the thought of spending them without love one who have passed or we are unable to be with for whatever reason. Depression because the holiday season brings about hurtful memories. Loneliness because we have no one to spend them with or heartache from the loss of a love one. For me it is all of the above. August 24, 2011 my grandmother transitioned from this life. Leaving me with a mess. financially, physically, emotionally and spiritually. It is now almost 3 months later and I still have not grieved. I tear up from time to time but as for actually crying it hasn't happened and I am not sure why. Maybe I am not suppose to cry.  

My grandmother was a hard woman. She was mean, did and said a lot of hurtful things to her family and people in general. If she knew something ugly about you she would refer to you as the girl that did such an such or that boy that did so in so. Never by their name but by what they did and I don't care how long it had been she would bring it up. I digress the point of this blog is ENOUGH.

Wednesday at Bible Study the pastor was talking about the poem I always called "I wish you Enough" which I will include a the end of this blog post. I am not sure of the author I am sure it was not me. Any who at the end of the poem it says I wish you enough hello's to get you though the final Good-bye. Then it happened tears began to fall not because I was sad but because I had enough to get me through the final good-bye when I am ready.

September 2, 2011 family and friends gathered to say their final good-bye but I still was not ready. Not because I didn't want to let her go but because I wasn't sure if she really understood my love for her. I love my grandma with all that I am and my only desire was to be with her and take care of her until the end. Did I succeed? Yes to the best of my ability and what she would allow.

 Although my patients may have run short with my grandma and her mess  my love never did.  There were times I wanted to go to the funeral home tell them to open the casket and slap her face then there were times I wanted to go and just push her casket over and say there and walk away. End the end I never saw her again because I would have just fell over the casket and cried like a two year old.  The tears would have been for all the wasted time we should have been loving each other but she wanted to fight instead. Tears because I wanted to love her and she mad it hard. Tears, because I have more bad memories of her than good ones. Tears because I am here with the people that have scars from the wounds she inflected and every time I see them I want to cry and say I am so sorry she treated you that way or said that to you or did that to you.  

 Am I still angry with my grandmother you bet your sweet ass I am. I am not angry with her for being mean and hurtful but for leaving with out allowing her family to love her and allow us to know that she knew we loved her. Until the very end she made the relationship hard.

So my SugaCubes PowdaSuga is going to leave you with these three things: 1.Don’t make it hard for people to love you. 2. I wish you ENOUGH. 3. The following poem

"I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish enough "Hello's" to get you through the final "Good-bye.."

Emergency Broadcast system

I Knew It!!!

          That is the first thing that comes out of our mouths when the suspicion about something or someone is confirmed. We say things like “I knew it was something about him/her I just couldn't put my finger on it or watch out for that one I do not trust them and I just do not feel right about this and the list could on and on of  things said when what we have suspected has come true.

          We are all born with discernment which is to help us from falling prey to peoples who will take advantage of us. But for some reason as we grow older we override that voice, feeling, natural warning signal or whatever you would want to call it.  

           If you watch children when they are infants up until they start school if they are unsure or someone comes around that they don’t care for they go the other way or hide behind their parents. Why because they are trusting that built in safety device to protect themselves from harm and danger. But as we are introduced to society and all that it brings we are encouraged to ignore the warnings signs and by the time we are adults the blaring warning signal that is screaming “danger Will Robinson danger danger” is barely audible so we don’t pay it any attention.

          I am guilty of ignoring my emergency broadcast system. I have been in relationships that were unhealthy for me. Which lead me to be hurt by people I trusted and loved.  Many of the friendships were one-sided with me giving more than I got. Unfaithful men or becoming involved with someone that really didn’t want me but what I could do for him. Working for employers that did not have my best interest in mind and when I was not a viable resource for them let me go. Family saying and treating me any way they want because they are family.  The one place that I surely thought I would be safe, my wounds healed and find direction for my life became the worst hurt of all. the church.  Romances, friendships, work, church, and family  at some point  in the course of all of those encounters my safety system was going off and I ignored It.

          The point I am trying to make is that we are all born with the ability to protect ourselves.  We just have to listen to the alarm when it is sounding. Danger Will Robinson danger danger.

The Heart of the matter

I know you all are probably thinking where did she get this title from.  Well I’ll tell. For the last month almost everyday I have been listening to India Aries’ version of this song on YouTube.  Everyone now and again I find a song that happens to fit my current state of mind or how I am feeling.  As many of you know about 7 month’s ago about 30 of us were laid off due to our positions being eliminated.  That   is a story I won’t rehash. However the effects of not having a job were unexpected.  The loneliness, the blow to your self esteem, the anger, the fear of not being able to pay your bills however small they are and the way people treat you because you are in a vulnerable position they say and do anything they want to you can be a bit much.  So I finds the song and I’m listening and bobbin my head then she starts singing the bridge “ I been trying to get down to the heart of the matter but my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter but I know it’s about forgiveness even if you don’t  love me anymore. “   I wanted to burst into tears and keep on crying and one day I will and soon.  I wanted to cry because all my adult life I have worked sometimes 3 jobs at a time, now I am afraid to even try to look for a job but I know I have to because my unemployment won’t last forever. I wanted to cry because I didn’t use my resources wisely at my former employer and finish my education.  I wanted to cry because I was afraid to live my life after separating from my children’s father and so I allowed the woman in me become stagnant now I want to love again and have no clue where to begin. I let fear rule 90% of my life. I didn’t do things, Go places or live my true life because of fear. Fear that I would fail and all the things that were said about me would be true.  Shedding tears for all the years I allowed myself to be mistreated by family friends, co-workers, supervisors because I was afraid to speak up for myself. Saying yes to things that you don’t want to do or don’t have all the information for.  Crying because the fear I carried I feel have caused my children to be people they would not be had I not been afraid to at least try to live a little. Now my baby girls are grown. I can do anything I want because I am free to do so and all I want to do is hide and cry because I forgot who I am, I don’t know what I want to do or where I want to go.  I have a man that wants to be in my life and I put on my track shoes strapped rockets to them and ran.  Why because I am afraid.  Damn who ever told that lie stick and stones my break my bones but name will never hurt me was lying their ass off. Word can kill the very essence of people and cripple them for life. Once I finish crying I will get down to the forgiveness part after all that is the heart of the matter.  AND THE FIRST PERSON ON THE LIST TO FORGIVE IS ME. DARLYNA RAYE SANFORD.