Girls Trip

What I learned from a movie.

I have decided to start blogging again and this is one that was never posted.

So I took myself to see the movie Girls Trip and I must admit it was more than I expected. The movie was hilarious, had several messages, it made me cry and a left me feeling sad and missing my own girls. I will get to all of that in a minute. I will say that it was so wonderful to see women of color portrayed in a positive manner. The married author and motivational speaker, the divorced nurse who is also single mother, the celebrity blogger, and the one that keeps the group laughing and is loyal to the end

 The movie had several scenes that will have you crying with laughter and I will not spoil them by writing about them. However I do want to talk about the messages that I got from the movie.

First lesson: Never let the fear of being alone cause you to stay in a relationship that is unhealthy, there is infidelity and no trust. Even if you are married to the lying cheating can't keep his dick in his pants man or legs closed woman.

Second lesson: Hold on to the woman you are before life happens. So many times we lose who we are at our core by putting us on the side while we tend to our jobs, careers, children, husbands, significant others, chasing wealth and success for the wrong reasons, or holding on to unhealthy people, places and things.

Third Lesson: Nurture you just as much or more as you do everyone else. Forgive quickly don't allow time and the unresolved hurt and anger push you apart. Doing so will help you not to lose out on support and making memories with those you love. 

This movie also made me sad. Sad because I have friends that I have been in friendship with for over 10, 20 and 30 years and a two from childhood. It saddens me that my own daughters will not know or experience that kind of true friendship.  That makes me sad for them.

I AM A BIG BEAUTIFUL WOMAN

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On the left is a picture of Big Momma to the right are several pictures  of me ranging from a Senior in high school to present not then nor now have I ever looked like Big Momma from the movie. I am a BBW (Big Beautiful Woman) and make no apologies about it.                           

With that being said let me address this issue for all the BBW’S and BBM’S. We do not resemble or look like Rasputia from Norbit, Edna Turnblad from Hairspray, Precious or Madea from any of Tyler Perry’s plays or movies.  Our men don’t look like or resemble Fat Albert, Sherman Klump, Daddy Klump, Ernie klump Sr. or Fat Bastard from Austin Powers movie.

When you refer to us in this manner we do not consider it a compliment nor do we think it is cute or funny. Matter of fact it is rude inconsiderate, mean spirited, hurtful and for those with low self-esteem it makes them feel even worse about themselves.

Just because we don’t say anything doesn’t make it any less ignorant to say or hurtful. And for all you fat people that make fun of other fat people and laugh when others do it get a grip. You just reinforce that it is okay to act so callously towards another human being.  

And by the way while you making those ugly remarks and laughing. I will leave you ladies and men with this piece of advice from Madea “check with man” “check with your woman” cause they may be an undercover chubby chaser.

What is stopping you from getting the love that you want

     I posted this question on my facebook. "what is stopping you from getting the LOVE that you want?" Only two responded and their answers where there ego and pride. After much thought to the question, this is the answer that keep coming back to me. I am what is stopping me from getting the LOVE that I want. I have been in mommy mode for the last 27yrs, and expect for about 6 months of that last 22 years I have been single and celibate. My life consisted of working, taking a class here and there, basketball games, and just everyday life of running a household as a single mother. If I did anything else it was dinner, movies or out for drinks with my girls friends.
    I know some of you may think that I must have been in a bad relationship, I feel like I don't need a man, I am a man basher or I think there are no good men left.  So let me just set the record straight. My relationships were not abusive and I remained friends with the men. I do need a man not to make me feel like a whole woman but because I miss the company of a man. As for male bashing and no good men left I think that MEN, especially Black men, are the best thing God created this side of Heaven and there are still good ones out there.
     The desire for male companionship burst in the daylight about 2 months ago. I am enrolled in a program for displaced unemployed or under employed woman. Part of the programs was to concentrate on the things we want and what we need to make us feel healthy and whole. After several weeks of this planning my life stage, the feeling that there was something missing would not leave. Then I dreamed about AW and the missing piece was found.I knew I wasn't ready to be in a relationship but I missed just having a good conversation with a man. Hearing his point on a subject. Don't get me wrong I love my girls but there is just something different when talking to a man. 
      Am I afraid of failing, of course, but I am more afraid of not knowing what the hell I am doing and even more afraid not  trying to get involved with men on a friendly basis. I have let that part of me lay dormant for so long that it is like resurrecting the dead. The Problem is that I have been alone so long that I don't know how to allow someone else into my personal space. I am just unsure how to relate to a man on a one on one level. How long do you wait to give them your number? what questions to ask them without offending them? Should you do a criminal background check? Ask their HIV Status. I mean I could go on but I think you all get the picture.
     I have made the effort to open up and interact with a few men but it didn't go so well. The first one was simple minded, didn't have a clue about women or was just trying to play mind games. The second one he was rough for real and let me just state for the record I AM NOT ABOUT THAT LIFE. There is a level that I just can not do now. Maybe 10 years ago I could hung but not now. Now we come to gentleman 3 and I am running for the hills.  He can hold a great conversation, He seems interested in getting to know about me and what I like to do. Now I guess I just have to suck it up and let the chip fall where they may.

   

The Question is: How did I let it get so bad?

So I have been wanting a bicycle for the last 2 years or more but because of my weight i was unsure of what brand would work for me. So, I went to the only expert I know my Uncle Cleo. My uncle has ridden for years and he travel around the country riding on the bike tours. So I went to talk to him and he said he would keep and eye out for me. a couple of days later he called me and said that I needed to start walking and I said ok. I enlisted my pnc(partner in crime) to walk with me. We decided that we would walk Monday Wednesday and Fridays. Well let me just say I text my uncle and told him I wouldn't be needing the bike this year bacause I didn't realize how out of shape I am.

Now this bring me to the title of this post. While I knew I was extemely overweight I never thought I was so out of shape. The first couple of walks I did even make it that far and I was breathing so hard I was scared. Then I began to be ashamed. Ashamed that I couldn't walk more that 10 minutes, ashamed that I sounded like a freight train breathing, ashamed that I had allowed myself to beome so out of shape,but most importantly that I had not paid attention to myself, my health and my life.

I will be 50 on June 1st of this year and I will not spend the next years over weight, out of shape and living a minimal life. I am a big girl not physically but in all areas of my life but they have been overshadowed by how I have been living. On of my youtube people said big girls need big toys. I don't just want the big toys I want a big life. So when I leave this life. My family, Friends, and Sugacubes cans says she lived a big full life.

My New Years starts on my birthday not January 1 and I intend to start living life to the fullest. As my stamina increases so will the the things I will be doing. My first thing is to up the days of my walking from Monday Wdnesday and Friday to Monday thru Sunday. I am making my to do list now and I will accomplish them all including hitting the Mega Millions so that I can support the poverty stricken and give back to my community especially those like me that have let life pass them by and discovered they have so much to give but just don't know where to start.

Love ones, pay attention to your life everyday and live it to the fullest.

Biscuit Burner 1

Biscuit Burner 1: There has been this reoccurring theme going on that is just destructive to our children and the parent child bond. Scenario: Man meets woman with child / children or vice versa or both have children. The two decide to get into a long term relationship or even married. Problem he/ she does not want to have anything to do with your child/ children or you to have contact with your own child /children and will do anything to interfere with your relationship and if you have children together refuse to let them bond their brother or sister. Men, women, young and old, if you have children or a child you are a package deal. If they love you, they love your children too, for they are a part of you. If they want to spend quality time with you the children should be included, this is how families are built and stay strong. If you want him/her to provide for you and your children, you must do the same for him/her and their children. Th...

ese tiny tots are growing up with many dangers in this world and parents are their soft place to land. To deny them safety, love, support. Knowledge, family and a sense of self is mean selfish cold hearted. You can not expect a parent not to be a part of their child’s life just to be in yours. Ladies if you have a man that is doing this run fast. I know you think once we been together for a while, I do my stripper moves, give him some good good cook and clean it will change. Chile please get a grip because if he didn’t bother he don’t want to be bothered. Men I haven’t left you out when you mention that you have a child and she roll her eyes and turn up her face and start that I am not for no baby mama drama. She does not love you she is after what you can do for her and isn’t worth all the hell she will bring if you decide to be with her. If you are the person in this scenario, you need find a man/woman who DOES NOT have a child or children then you can have them all to yourself. Don't dishonor parenthood with your selfishness.

This weekend brought about a few ups and downs. My sister came home to visit from Texas. My mom and her meet me at Chipolte for lunch/dinner. I spent some time with my baby girl we were talking and I told her that I only wanted the best for her and she was saying that she wished she had went on to finish school. I told her that there is a whole big world for her and her sister to see and that I did not want them to look back on their lives and have a lot of regrets. Out of the mouth of babes is what I always heard my granpa say. She said mom I don't regret anything I have lessons learned. Such a simple statement but it spoke so loudly. It just kept repeating in my head. At 12 midnight I was the end of the 30 day challenge that I committed to and let me tell you it went down in flames the first to weeks but I kept at it and I am glad I did
     My mode of operation is when I mess up on something I just stop and don't complete what I started but this time with help from my Kengi. Who said just start again tomorrow so I did.  Some days would be a success and other would be a test but as I continued the real thing that I needed to work on pushed its way to the for front like a gang buster. Saying NO and putting me first. This has been a very distressing issue for me and several others I know including my daughters. I could not figure out why is was so hard to say such a small word. Two letters N O. Then I began to reflect. Saying NO brings negative emotions. We feel guilty rejected or selfish. I was never told that NO to someone or a situation was right. So as I grew up and life went on I found myself in very unconfortable situations. But I kept right on saying yes when I really wanted to say NO NO and HELL the NO. Fear of the person being angry, me feeling guilty or selfish.or rejections. Septembers challenge started out about superficial things but ended on a deep issue that has held me hostage.  We must teach our children and give ourself permission to say that small yet powrful word. I now know the power of this small word those two letters. I understand and know that it is very very very ok to say Hell to the NO NO NO .

Conversation with KENGI

WOW I can not believe that it has been almost a year since I last blogged and so much has happened and nothing has happened. I know that was confusing. So let us get on with what this blog is about. I named it my conversation with KENGI because after talking with him my desire for me grows stronger. I know what in the hell the desire for yourself so let me explain. I am a nurturer that is my calling, that is my passion. It give me great pleasure to assist another human being succeed in fulfilling  their destiny.

    August of this year Kengi invited me to 30 days of personal growth. Let just says the first 2 weeks went down in flames. Nothing that I set in my challenge did I attempt except not to watch TV. So I called Kengi or he called me or we played phone tag until we connected. As usual we did the catch up and then we started  talking about the personal growth and I did my confession about it going down in flames and thinking of just not finishing it. Kengi would not let me off that easy oh no. He replied with "So restart tomorrow and just do one thing". I thought man damn he is right and I can just start with one thing. Then I went on to talk other things that were going on and it got quiet I thought the phone were acting up again then I heard Darlyna I answered yes and he said " you are worry about everyone and everything else, Who worries about you? and when are you going worry about you?" I stammered I don't  know. The response brought tears to my eyes. So we continued to talk for a little longer then he loved me and we hung up.

     As the days passed I made a conscious effort to work on the one thing I chose to work on. Then life brought about the real issues that I needed to attend to. My final decision about whether I was moving back to my hometown or staying in the city where I live and raised my daughters. I opted to stay in Columbus but leave the house that I share with my daughters. It is time for me to live my own life. Once that was settled the I had to come up with a plan to be by myself which I was happy and sad about. Happy because I would have peace and quiet. Sad because I would be leaving my babies to care for themselves.

     The plan reve up the job search and begin to clean out the house so when  and if we have turn it back over to the bank dealing with a lot of stuff that I don't intend on taking with me. So I started with the kitchen as I started pulling stuff out the memories began to flow. The more glasses and plates I wrapped and boxed the more depressed I became. So I stopped. I realized that I had buried one half of my family. My daughter, my father, my grandparents, my great-grandparents and my only uncle on my father's side. More importantly I had not grieved about their transition for this life. It felt like a storm brewing in my soul. I could feel the winds of an emotional outburst coming from he depths of my soul and it was going to be an ugly afermath. I was talking but no one was hearing. 

     So I called Kengi we did the catch up. I asked where the updated on his blog was and then I went right into how I wa feeling and he lisened I thanked him for making me think about who worries for me and I talked a little more and then came that silence again where you are not sure if the call has dropped. Then he said while you are grieving for them who is grieving for you and when are you going to grieve for yourself. Then he began to say how he let go of places people and things that were not adding value to his life. I thought I wish I could do that. Just let go. But I am afraid of what I have no clue. We talked a little more kengi told me he loved me and only wanted me to be the best Darlyna I can be and he valued me for me. We said good night, hung up and I cried.

      I have answered the questions that he asked me. I have several who worry about me, who greive with and for me and who love me.

     The morning came and the storm that was brewing has subsided. I went back to the kitchen found the box that I had packed my great-grandmothers dinner set in removed it. Then I went outside pulled the recycle can to the front porch and I begin to let go and I gave myself let go. I took the boxes to the front  porch and began to pitch all the stuff. It felt wonderful. Nothing bad happened, nobody beat me up and nobody walked out of my life and most importantly they didn't care. 

     All this all this time I have wasted being concerned about others, their feelings and well being when it really came down to doing what was good for me NOBODY even cared they didn't even asked what I was doing.

     At the beginning I told you I am a nurturer now it is time for me to nurture me and greive for my loss and rebuild who I want to be. Those conversations with Kengi can be a harsh but they will make you desire the you that was sacrificed for the well being of others. Thank you Kengi I am so glad you have graced my life.